Dear left boob,

I am sorry I put you in harm's way yesterday afternoon. I sincerely regret having you accidentally gouged while on the job. Believe me when I say that I would never have tried to lift that heavy set wall had I known the pain that would ensue. I promise to never again come that close to the ginormous screw that emerges from the side of said set wall. I winced in pain when I saw the big purple bruise that now adorns you after yesterdays mishap. This is technically my first "chest wound", which unfortunately, had to involve you. So, once again, sorry for the bruised cleave. Here's to a quick recovery!

Get well soon!

Lou

Dear Winter:

Please go away and leave me be. I am tired of your grey skies, sub-zero temps and frozen precipitation. The hems of my jeans are constantly cold and/or wet, and I am extrememly tired of bundling up like an eskimo every time a step outside. I hate that you tease me with a 50 degree day thats cloudy, then an 8 degree day with sun. Make up your mind, don't play with my emotions, its not very nice. I am thinking about not inviting you back next year. Summer, I am longing for warmer temps and sunshine, and my flip flops are more than eager to come out of hybernation. Hurry, please!

without hope or agenda,

Linsey

Oh g-ma....

This weekend was fun. Mom and G-ma came to visit...some of the highlights...

2 great lunches
driving G-ma's new car, and trying to teach her what all the buttons do
Spice shopping at Penzey's
buying a new coffee mug at World Market
Mom getting pink hair

It really was a decent weekend....and I didn't get the obligatory guilt trip from grams....bonus.

For Christmas, Grandma gave me a book of my great g-ma's poems. Possibly the best gift she's ever given me. So much better than ugly slippers and itchy wool sweaters. Here's the one that grandma Melba wrote about me in 1982:

Linsey is a lollipop girl,
These sweets are hard to find
Quicksilver are her dancing feet,
Flitting butterflies, her mind.

Liquid joy, her lilting laughter,
Brown eyes full of sweet surprise.
Grown-ups find her captivating,
Little Linsey is a prize.

When our hearts are sad and weary
And our days are long and blue,
We'll just think of our sweet Linsey
And the smiles will lollipop through.

like, omg! you know?

I mourn for this nation's youth. I am in complete and udder shock sometimes at the absolute bullshit that spews from their mouths when they think they are trying to have an adult conversation. Not only is their speech atrocious and their line of thinking completely self centered; they have no idea about the world which surrounds them. They are completely unable to carry on an intelligent conversation, or, ANY conversation for that matter, without using the following:

like
you know?
i mean...
oh my god

For instance...here's a short excerpt from a "conversation" (if you can call it that) I had today with a particularly child-like acquaintance of mine from school.

Her: "I like Europe. It's not like, shitty. Like it is over here, you know?"
Me: "I have to go to the bathroom."

I did, in fact, have to make use of the loo. Even if I had not needed to, however, I still would have gotten up and physically left this conversation. I could cut her down to shreds and ramble on about her lack of intelligence, but I will not. I think that most of you get my gist.

I will add one more thing. She smells bad too. Sorry, that was a little petty of me. But for reals yo, homegirl needs to wash her shit cuz it be stankin.

To the girl I smacked with the door today:

Me: Exiting the auditorium in EAB
You: Walking in the hallway outside, in close (very close) proximity to the door from which I was making said exit.

You are an idiot. I said I was sorry, but really I'm not. It was the best laugh I had all day to be perfectly honest. The door (which is somewhat camouflaged) swings out to open. I actually didn't smack you with it. I opened it and watched you run right into the effing thing. You were too busy talking or texting to notice the 6 ft x 3 ft wooden wall that suddenly appeared 12 inches from your face. I suppose I could have saved you from your obvious embarrassment, but I truly don't think there was time. I laughed at you, your friend laughed at you, and I believe that you laughed at yourself. I'm pretty sure that the only thing hurt was your self confidence. Either way, it was absolutely hilarious.

Thanks for the giggles,

Lou

Dear Nevada, Utah and Arizona,

I can't wait to see you. Nevada and Arizona.....its been awhile my friends. I am finally giving in to your begging, "Come visit me! I never get to see you!" Ok, ok! I'll be there in May! Utah, you are new. I have not had the pleasure of meeting you before, but I hear that you have much in store for me. And when I say "much in store" I do NOT mean another husband and a few "sister wives". In fact, I think I would make a terrible mormon, so don't try to convert me whilst I am there. At least as a Christian I can have stimulants and booze. Yay Jebus!

Anyways.....I can't wait to see the three of you. Get ready, because Kathy and I are gonna tear shit up. You might have to spend a few days cleaning up after we leave. Make sure that the following are in tip top shape for us:

Zion National Park

Lake Powell

Grand Canyon

Flagstaff/Sedona
The Strip

Oh, and can you make sure the weather is nice for us? Sunshine would be nice for all the hiking/biking/boating/rafting/driving/hanging out we are gonna do. Thanks in advance.

Planning on overstaying our welcome already,

Lou

Update!

To the man who carries the dog shit around in the orange plastic sack:

I saw you again today in the neighborhood. You look like a friendly old chap. You were, once again, swinging around said bag of shit. You looked at me and smiled as I drove by and I realized that one of my judgments was, in fact, incorrect. So I wanted to post a correction.

There is no way you can whistle whilst swinging your shit. Your full set of dentures you wear are approximately 657 times too large. There is absolutely no way one could whistle anything around a grill of that magnitude.

Sorry dude,

Lou

Dear bony-ass bitch who owes me money,

I'm finally sending my bounced paycheck to the Douglas County Attorney's office. I hear that once they process my request, you have 10 days to pay me or else they issue a warrant. Aweosme. Just the thought makes me as happy as a retard in a room full of bouncy balls. I'm not usually filled with this much spite for anyone, but for you I will make an exception.

The thing is that its not really about the money, its a fairly small amount actually. Its the concept of the whole thing and I really just want to cause you a bit of trouble. If it means one less pair of shoes in your closet, then so be it. I would make a comment about hoping to take food off of your table, but everyone knows you are a champion anorexic and you don't eat anyway.

Hoping to see you in an orange jumpsuit someday,

Lou

P.S. Maybe you should stop boinking the married dentist. He's not cute, and he's never going to divorce his wife for you anyway, fatty.

Dear Chelsea Handler,

How I love thee. Let me count the ways.

1.)
bend over and grab your ankles.

2.) Your book: My Horizontal Life: A collection of one night stands.
I think I pee a little every time I reach for this literary wonder.

3.) Your upcoming book: Vodka, are you there? It's me, Chelsea.
I will be waiting outside of Barnes and Noble for this one.

4.)
LOVES it

5.) You are my favorite Jew.

6.) You are a very committed alcoholic. I can appreciate that.

Loving you more than life,

Lou

Random thoughts for today...

Dear neighbor of mine who walks his dog and carries its shit in an orange plastic sack,

Thats f-ing nasty homes. Whats even worse is that you swing it around while you walk. You seem to be so happy to be carrying that bag of shit around and following your ugly dog that I bet you were whistling too. And you walked behind my car as I was trying to pull out of my driveway.

Your life would have been better had I hit you,

Lou