Food Network...It's a love/hate thing.

I decided that I felt so strongly on the subject, that I had to get it all out....enjoy.

I LOVE cooking, I LIKE baking, and I am ALWAYS up for trying my hand at a new recipe. If you come to my house, chances are good that I WILL TRY TO FEED YOU. I prefer cooking to baking, because my chances of being able to "fix" the dish are higher if I mess it up a little. You cannot, however, do that with baking. You hope and pray when you put your creation into the oven that you measured everything just right. Because once it comes out of the oven, it's either good, bad or ugly, and there's little you can do to fix it. Needless to say, I have taken numerous things out of my oven, and transferred them straight to the garbage.

Now, onto the "meat" of my rant/rave. I typically really like to watch Food Network. I have spent about 2.5 hours watching it today already. Here are some of my observations about the shows I watched today....followed by my feelings on other shows/cooks.

Cooking For Real with Sunny Anderson: I watched this show first this morning. Truth be told, I had never watched this show before. It was about average. She made some meatloaf stuffed tri-color peppers and mac and cheese. I love mac and cheese any way I can get it, so...WIN. Her recipes looked great. She was a decent host, and not too annoying. I would definitely watch her again.

30 Min meals with Rachael Ray: Of course I like RR. I love all of her recipes, as they are fairly easy to make, and look delicious every time. She's cute, quirky and i like that she's shaped like a real woman. Her and I have similar baking issues, and I can respect that. I sometimes get annoyed with certain sayings that she has, or certain pronunciations, but I really like her Big Chill fridge, so that makes up for it. I also like her talk show on daytime television. I think she has the right amount of cleavage, and I enjoy counting how many wrap dresses she has....cuz damn, homegirl has about a million. My cousin Erin watches her, but on mute, because she can't stand to hear her talk (or say Parmesan for that matter).

Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee: Hates it. FAIL of epic proportions. Faults; I don't even know where to begin. She's too skinny (I don't trust a skinny cook), her sleeves appear to drag in her dishes (she never pushes them up, and real cooks DON'T wear long sleeves), she uses mashed potatoes she got from the deli (which, are always powdered, gross), her outfit always matches her set (puke), she does "tablescapes" (vomit, your food should be good enough on its own so you don't have to hide it behind matching table linens, chargers and centerpieces), she seems afraid to get her hands dirty, and her voice annoys me. There, I will stop. Positive points......she used a slow cooker, which I liked, because I love getting new ideas for things to make in my crock pot. Overall, I don't know how she even got her own show. I could do better.

Paula's Home Cooking with Paula Dean: I just want to hug Paula Dean. I love how she finds a way to put butter into EVERY DISH THAT SHE COOKS. Each recipe usually looks like it has 65,836 calories, but I don't mind one bit. That's how home cooking should be. She does say ya'll a lot, but that's part of her charm. I trust her, because I can tell that she eats her own cooking. **edit** I also noticed that she had a Macbook Pro sitting on her countertop. WIN Paula, WIN.

Rescue Chef with Danny Boome: Mildly annoying, because of the way I feel he plays up his British accent, but ...he made Shepherd's Pie (an old favorite of mine), and showed a lady how to hide more vegetables in it, which I am always trying to do with Matt. I would watch it again I guess, but not on a regular basis.

Down Home With the Neelys: UGH. I think I throw up in my mouth every time I watch it. The recipes usually look great, down home southern cooking, delicious. But they kiss approx. 734 times on each episode, and he is always asking for "some brown sugar". Sick me out. As far as I'm concerned, I DO NOT want my husband in the kitchen with me. Nobody I know has that much fun cooking with their husbands. The kitchen is MY domain, and I tend to be very territorial. If he is in the kitchen, that's fine, as long as he is on the other side of the counter, and out of my way.

That's all of the shows I watched this morning. Thoughts on other hosts.....

Giada De Laurentiis: She's hot, which is why Matt will watch this show. He will watch her and RR, that's it. Giada's food is delicious, and she was actually born in Italy, which gives her a few points. But....homegirl is too skinny. put a good 10 lbs on her, and I would trust her a little more. There's no way she really eats like she cooks.

Bobbie Flay: Great recipes. Like watching him. His food is very manly, and I think Matt would eat most of it.

Emeril: Great recipes, very energetic. Uses lots of bacon because PORK FAT RULES. I add bacon to things whenever I can, so I'm totally down with Emeril.

Guy Fieri: LOVE his recipes, they are easy and Matt would eat most of them. His hair does scare me just a little, but other than that, love watching him.

Good Eats with Alton Brown: Alton seems to be very factual. I feel like I learn a lot when I watch him. Not just HOW to do things, but WHY they need to be done a certain way. He's a little geeky, but I kind of like it.

Ace of Cakes: HEART THAT SHOW. So creative, so amazing. It's something I could NEVER do, but I still love to watch it. Duff is a wicked genius, and he curses sometimes, which adds some much needed color to the Food Network.

That's all the further I'm going to go. I haven't watched the rest of the shows enough to comment too much on them. Oh, except for one more, Unwrapped. Gotta love the OCD Marc Summers. I like to see how things are made, but I really just wish he would start up Double Dare again. Fo shiz.

Ultimately, I think I would do a great show on Food Network. It would at the VERY LEAST be better than Semi-Homemade. no doubt.

Nothing says "Peace On Earth"...

...like a fiber-optic baby Jesus. I believe Grandma Jan gave this to me a couple years ago. It sits underneath our Christmas Tree. I just love how bright neon colors shoot out from his face, don't you? And the angels seem extra "angelic" when their wings are flashing like a drive thru liquor store sign. Happy Birthday Jesus. Peace on Earth, and good will towards men.

.It's not enough.

.2 days is not enough.

not enough time to try to make you smile again.

not enough time to go on a year's worth of lunches.

not enough time to talk about that new man your life.

not enough time to laugh.

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it's not enough time to catch up on what I've missed.

it's not enough time to talk about food.

it's not enough time to talk about that crazy customer.

and it's not enough time to even tell you that I like your new wig.

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it's not enough time to talk about fashion.

it's not enough time bitch about the boss.

it's not enough time to talk about the husband.

it's not enough time to tell you i'm at a loss.

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it's not enough time to giggle about how that last set rhymes, because we both know I'm not a fucking poet.

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it's not enough time to get to the casino after you tell me that your hand itches, because you told me that if your hand ever starts itchin, somebody you know is gonna win some money at the boats.

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it's not enough time to drool over that Tiffany's catalogue one last time

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it's not even enough time to see your mischievious grin again. because you'll be gone before I get the chance.

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.2 days could never be enough time.

Love you Nat.

It was a fun ride.

Christmas Came Early This Year...

Guess who is hitting the road again on tour in 2009?

Baby, I just can't wait.

New Camera

I need one. My CoolPix circa 2002 is dying a slow and painful death. I get a ton of "lens error" messages, the batteries don't last that long, and really, if you use the flash, it takes 2 seconds to actually take the picture. and 2 seconds in the world of photography is an extremely long time. Of course, Danelle just purchased herself a loverly new Nikon D90 (lucky!). Which leaves me wondering:

Do I purchase her D70 (which she has offered to me for the bargain basement price of $450), or do I just buy myself a new point and shoot (more than likely canon) for a couple hundred.

I am torn, and apparently unable to make a decision of this magnitude. What's a camera-less girl to do?

Breakfast menu

I found out today how goldfish crackers get so cheesy...i caught these little bastards trying to eat my mini wheel of semisoft babybel. Nice try guys.

Breakfast of champions

I don't really even like raisins that much, due to th fact that they do NOT look appealing whatsoever. I ate goldfish crackers as well. What a gourmet i am at 4am...

I think I just died inside...

I just finished making Aunt Teri's birthday cake. I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU JUST HOW DELICIOUS this creation is gonna be. Devils food cake, peanut butter cream cheese frosting, and chocolate peanut butter ganache to top it off. This cake is fierce. Be jealous.

Could Friday get any sweeter?

I stopped at Cupcake Island Friday morning for some cupcakes. I didn't need them, it wasn't a special occasion, but damn, it made my Friday just that much better...

Today is the day ...

...I will start writing blog ideas down. I've been meaning to do so for quite some time now. What I believe will help is the new cute little red leather-bound journal I bought at the discount/used bookstore yesterday. Although I doubt its leather heritage due to the fact that it cost me all of 4 dollars. Typically, the only cow product one can buy for under 5 dollars is a hamburger. Either way, I think it will help so that I have a constant pool of ideas to draw from. Some days I think to myself, "this is AMAZING! I must blog about this!" And then I conveniently forget what was so amazing. I will sit and stare at my keys, a new blog open, just waiting for some genius to tidalwave onto the page, and I am surprised when nothing happens. Well, no more my friends.

May the tidalwave of fresh ideas begin!

Today, my dilema is:
what to do with my afternoon.

Options:
take a bike ride or walk
scrub floors
clean my closet
waste time on the internets

I am opting for cleaning my closet, as it needs to be done very BADLY. Although, it is going to be quite an undertaking, as it is 3:15 already, and I am meeting a friend for sushi at 5. Maybe I will perform this task in phases, today's phase: denim.

I decided yesterday that Mondays would be "baking days". (I baked cupcakes yesterday). In order to keep myself occupied, I have decided that each day should have a preordained task. I am tired of spending too much time on the web, and need a schedule to keep me on task. I am open to ideas as to what my other "days" should be. Suggestions?

Oh, and sushi today is at the new "Baby" Blue. I have not been there yet, you can expect a report to follow.

In a food coma...

I know I have been M.I.A. for awhile...and I apologize. Things that have happened in the last few weeks: Matt lost his job, went camping for Kathy's birthday, Uncle Jim died, and I went to KC this past weekend. My cousin Erin let Kathy and I bring a box full of goodies from her bakery, Dolce Baking Co., home with us. My box of tasty treats is almost gone...I planned on bringing some in to work...but Matt and I decided not to share. It was full of assorted cupcakes, peanut butter tortes, key lime torts, panna cotta, a peanut butter and jelly bar and her famous macaroons. I don't usually eat macaroons...and I will never, from here on out EVER buy them in a store. Because unless it is made by Erin, there's just no point. It will no doubt be a disappointment of epic porportions.

Thanks cuz, everything was magically delicious!

Hunka Hunka Burnin Love!

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Danelle and I were guest judges this weekend at Horseshoe Casino's Elvisfest 2008. We judged the 12th Annual Images of the King contest and it was AWESOME! Danelle took the videos and pics, as I was apparently way too lazy to get my camera out.




The performers were actually VERY talented. We were surprised to be honest, I mean, c'mon folks, this is Council Bluffs we are talking about. I sometimes feel like I lose an I.Q. point or two every time I step over the river.

There was quite an assortment of Elvi (I'm using this as a term for multiple Elvis'). Young Elvis, 1970's Elvis, Hula Elvis, Black Elvis and Asian Elvis. They were some swell dudes, and I might just head back to Elvisfest next year.

K-Mart sucks Ray.

So, being off work by 8:30 am is great, really. I come home, have a bite to eat, take a nap, perfect, right? Plenty of time to get things done, spend the day how I choose. WRONG. Plenty of time to sit around and do NOTHING. ALL DAY. The laundry's done, the house is clean, dinner prep is finished...what's a girl to do? I'm even getting bored with MySpace and Facebook and I never thought that would happen. Some days I bake:Most days I read. I am currently close to finishing up another great Jane Austen Novel. I do laundry, I clean, but I didn't really notice a problem until I caught myself watching:
And I want to f*ing kill myself. Usually, shows of this nature make me feel really good about myself and my life situation. You know, the way you feel after watching COPS and finishing an entire bag of puffy cheetos. But lately, this is sadly not the case. Because of my horrendous schedule, I don't get to watch GOOD programming, I get stuck watching ghetto trash fight in a courtroom over $243 dollars because Tonya didn't pay Jim for that secondhand washing machine. It makes me want to cut myself.

I have plenty of friends to hang out with, but unfortunately, most of them are what I like to call REAL adults, and actually are at work during NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS. Here's how the conversation usually goes:
Me: "Wanna go to the pool? Oh, I see, you're working."
"Let's go see a movie! Oh, you're in what? A meeting? Ok then."
"Do I want to go to Jazz on the Green tonight instead? HECK YES I DO! Oh wait, I have to work tomorrow morning at 4:30 am, so Jazz on the Green would keep me out WAY past my bedtime. Somebody shoot me now. Before I become like Rainman and every activity revolves around "Wapner at 4". You'll know I am about to cross the line when I start buying my underwear at K-Mart.

I've always wanted one this big...

It was everything I had hoped it would be.

Trashy, just like hot garbage juice.

A fun time was had by all at the Carsey trailer court this past weekend. There was plenty of Schlitz, twinkies, cheese balls, a spiked watermelon and spam on the grill. Josh and Joel made a rope swing for the tree, and there was plenty of hick music and ac/dc. Things got kinda crazy, and I spent the next morning picking beer cans out of our fence, emptying the pools, and getting the lawn chair out of my tree.

Thanks Joel, you truly were the life of the party. Except next time, you are not allowed to throw things...such as:

Chairs into the trees, SPAM onto my roof, watermelon rinds onto my roof, watermelon at Kayla's face, or beer bottles in general.

I think if your wife is in attendance next time, she will keep your ass in line. However, I loved every second of your crazy antics. Especially when you and Kyle danced like Party Boy. You know that's my favorite.

Shakespeare on the Green

On Thursday night, Kathy and I went to see King Lear at Omaha's Shakespeare on the Green Festival. The weather was gorgeous. 75 degrees, slight breeze, and not a cloud in the sky. We arrived at about 6:30 pm, found a spot for our blanket and chairs, and cracked open our bottle of wine. The show didn't start till 8, but we were hungry and thirsty. By the time the show started at 8, our wine was almost gone, and we were done eating. With our bellies full of cheese, crackers and black bean salsa, we began to watch. We read the synopsis...neither of us had seen this particular play before. Approximately 5 minutes before intermission, Kathy leans over to me and asks, "are you following any of this?" I couldn't lie, I had been too busy people watching, and had not, in fact, been following along.

We left at half-time...errr...i mean, intermission. So much for Shakespeare. Ooops. Guess I'm not as much of a Shakespeare fan as I thought I was (and I didn't consider myself much of a fan to begin with). A good time was had though, despite the fact that we left early.

On a side note...at one point in the play, King Lear seemed to be chastising one of his daughters, Goneril. He accused her of being all sorts of things...and went on for what seemed like 10 full minutes. Wouldn't it just be easier, and funnier, if he just looked and her and said, in his mighty royal voice, "Goneril, you's a bitch!" I think so. Of course, in her defense, if my father gave me a name that sounded like an STD, I'd be a bitch too.

Best press release EVER written

I got this release his morning at work. It made me laugh. Why can't all press releases start out this way? At least I would know immediately what to expect...

Asians do it better

ABC's Wipeout premiered last Tuesday, and while it WAS somewhat funny...I have to admit that shows of this nature are just WAY better when Asians are involved. They just flat out do it better. First of all, none of the contestants on ABC's version could make it past a single obstacle. And, most of them were way too overweight for the show. Which was funny at first, but then it got old. However, I will more than likely continue to watch, due to the fact that people falling down is almost always funny, and this week they are premiering the "Dreadmill". It looks promising in a pathetic kind of way.

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...

I was filling out one of those stupid MySpace surveys, and rather liked my answer to question #6:

What do you think of hot dogs?

The following is my response:


My thoughts on hot dogs are rather lengthy, and my obsession goes back many years. I love hot dogs more than I can express in a setting such as this. I know that they are usually made out of all the unholy parts of the animal, but so many wrongs seem to make a right in the case of the hot dog. I love them at baseball games, at BBQs, at picnics, at Hockey games, at the movies, from gas stations, from street vendors (esp in NYC or Chicago), from Dairy Queen, from Sonic, and from the cafeteria at UNO. I grew up with them at public school, and knew that on my first day back after summer vacation, the overweight lunch lady would undoubtedly serve me one. And the "first day" hot dog always came accompanied by tater tots, peaches, a brownie and milk. My summer last year with hot dogs was amazing. I had not one, BUT 2 jobs that gave me free frankfurters. I slung weiners all summer long for ClearChannel. Every Wednesday was Weenie Wednesday, and I could eat as many as I wanted. I also got free hotdogs occasionally when I worked at the Omaha Royals games. If I am on the fence about taking a job, one of the deciding factors is whether or not I have access to free weiners. To me, hot dogs are the epitome of summer food, they are not to be eaten until the summer months (or when one is WISHING it was summer). Hot dogs do not taste the same when consumed with 12 inches of snow on the ground and a windchill of 30 below zero. I enjoy watching Nathan's hot dog eating contest every year on the 4th of July on ESPN2, and I am proud to say that my big brown eyes got a little misty when an American stole the title from that sneaky little asain (although you still hold a place in my heart Kobayashi, your trademark "shake" is adorable). So, yes, you could say that my thoughts on hot dogs are favorable...whether they are all beef or pork, in natural casing or in a labratory enhanced shell, footlong or regular boy sized, I love you. Whether you are an ALL BEEF dog from Vienna, a frankfurter from Germany, a wiener adorned "Chicago" style, a Nathan's from NYC, a nice pink one from Fairbury, NE, covered with Kraut and of Polish decent, or circumcised and Kosher from the folks at Hebrew National...whatever your cultural makeup, I love you one and all.


Guess what I am more than likely making for dinner tonight...Matt's gonna be pissed.

My new Honey's

It is my friend Kayla's job to make sure that my ass looks good in my jeans. She has gone shopping with me many a time, and has witnessed the screams of utter frustration that bellow out of my dressing room. I have an ass that is a little on the larger side, and have a hard time finding jeans that fit. Time after time I have come out of the dreaded dressing room with a look of disgust on my face. Kayla just looks at me and shakes her head, then motions for me to turn my ass around and go back in from whence I came. She has made me leave the GAP on numerous occasions, empty-handed, because she has refused to let me buy their denim. (It does have a tendancy to gap in the back, or make my crotch look saggy.)

The previous is problem #1. Problem #2 for me is that I have champagne taste, but am on a beer budget. I would be completely disowned if I walked through the door with a pair of jeans costing over 85 dollars.

I have, however found that Joe's jeans have a style that actually fit my round posterior. They are called the "HONEY [n:booty fit]" and I'm a lovin every inch of their expensive denim. The tag describes them as the following:

"CURVY, voluptuous and sexy are just a few ways to describe this silhouette's show-stopping effect. Fitted at the waistand contoured for the ultra feminine PHYSIQUE. Voluptuous never had it so good." In my opinion, it might as well say, "HONEY, your ass is so big you can't fit into anything at Hollister or Abercrombie anymore. So until you learn how to lay off the beer and ice-cream, and exercise on a regular basis, you NEED me to make you feel good about yourself." Either way, I would end up with them in my closet.

This is where Kayla comes in handy. She works in Von Maur, in the department that sells the aforementioned jeans (LUCKY!). She watches the sales rack for me, and calls me the second that they are cheap enough for me to get away with buying.

Then she has them altered for me (because I am short, and EVERYTHING needs to be hemmed). In fact, I just brought home a pair today...they are a size smaller than my last pair purchased, but I have been promised that they will stretch to my liking. I can zip the suckers up, but I feel a bit sausage-esque. So either they stretch out, or I need to lose at least 5 lbs. Either way, a win-win when you consider that I got them for $45 (including alterations), when they are usually $145 jeans. Keep them coming girlfriend...because I TOTALLY ripped the crotch out of my last pair on Saturday night when we were out. I had to go home and cry myself to sleep, the whole time rocking back and forth, and trying to go to my "happy place".

So, Kayla, "THANK YOU!" from the bottom of my heart, from my ass, from my wallet, and all the onlookers who notice how luscious my ass looks in these wonders of modern stichery. Here's a pic...

And "NO" I did not authorize their website to use my picture. Jerks.